| i feel like a fucking maniac, these kids can be so fucking cruel, its almost like everyone is fucking posing, or maybe its just me. sure feels like just me. i get angry, but not at anyone other than myself, i cant seem to figure any of this shit out. i just wonder what the fuck ive done, nothing feels like it has meaning anymore because of me i guess. i blame no one but myself, i put all of this on me, somehow, some way. i truly have strayed from my path, i cant really tell where it started. and i have learned a lot and grown a lot from my experiences, but all i find is dead fucking wood everywhere i look. im not surrounded, but im trapped. everyone walks over top of me, i never stood up for myself, like an idiot. so when people do take advantage of me, im glad to let them. i cant trust everyone, everything im told feels like a fucking lie, i never know when to believe anything anymore, its just general mistrust and distrust. again im trapped, i dont know who to blame, so i put all the blame on me. i carry this weight on my shoulders, as though i have a chip on my shoulder than i have something to prove. none of this is making sense, i dont get what i do wrong to push people away, and further more, do i push them away on purpose? i came back to live again, i left my life here, and i guess you cant always finish what you started. shit changes, im the first to accept it because i get stomped on. what are my fucking character flaws? lack of trust is a character flaw? fuck that, if you cant trust someone, then something happened to me. and something happened to me, but this is awhile ago. the lies, the two faces of lies, the thrid story, typically which is the truth. the drugs, oh man the drugs, but then again, i can barely get them. its probably better that way. why cant i get them? oh yea, everyones shady. they ask: how am i shady? just by asking how youre being shady, especially if/when i call you out just like that. i turned the phone off, i cant deal with looking at it every ten minutes and seeing nothing. but the drugs, i cant get them. i want them, mostly. but im so scared of disappointing them. i hate disappointing people, it makes me feel worse than when people lie to me. and when i do get told the truth, its like wham, and i know when its true. its not like ill lose it, its already gone. whatever it is. more than a year of this really trickles down. everypart of me feels covered in something, and its not bad karma. or maybe it is. i dont know what else to say, its the same thing in my head over and over, another thing that never changes, a racing mind, and damaged esteem and a lot of broken links. the cigarettes dont do much, a slight break in the action, like a tv timeout in hockey, then its back into the rush. problem is, it goes so slow its fast. each day is passing, but what the fuck am i gonna do about it? i consider myself out of shape, out of life. and i wouldnt say im paranoid, ive been lied to so many times that i have every god damn reason to not trust anybody anymore. but again, that truth is like a bullet to the knee, straight up crippling. i dont know what to say anymore. but my mask is skin tight, i never show my face. more like i cant show my face, fear is a captivating feeling. and im scared of very little, but im fearful of so much more. i have a bad reputation i imagine, i dont know what happened to me. maybe this self diagnosis has me trapped, maybe its not fear. but whats normal anymore? anti-depressants are offically the most prescribed drugs in america. so everyone is artifically balanced now, so what the fuck are they like normally? again, i feel like a maniac. maybe i have a lot of unanswered questions. ive fucked up too many times. i can acknowledge that much, the move, the move back, the bad visits, the mistakes. maybe i cant get over my mistakes. all i keep thinking about is the lies though. the half truths, whatever you wanna call them. i have very little, very very little. i got my music, my family, my job, and way too much time. mostly spent alone, its not like i can do anything, its either be a workaholic and spend all my time miserable at the place, or sit and think the whole time, and wonder. i wonder a lot. i think a lot, situations that ive been in and how they couldve been different, what ill do in other situations. its whatever, but its time wasted. i shoudl be out being smart, out running, out driving, out enjoying. but i dont know what to enjoy, and i especially dont know what to enjoy alone. the lies though, what a dwelling point. its ridiculous how much i think about that stuff. so many times too. i value my life, does it sound like it? illicit drugs, maybe i underrate them. ive seen people ruined by this. ive seen a lot, but then theres the people i meet that have seen the same and more. its amazing how one question can ruin a day. feels like theres no support where i want it. and pressure when i dont. there goes the whole disappointment factor again. id rather be let down than fuck up(again). but god, the fucking people.. im always down, let down, slowed down. im a poser by now. careless and cared less about. its not giving up, its just not caring. but how cant i? it hurts, so than i do care. confidence is underrated, mines in the gutter. laff. but my cover up is so good, ive been doing it for so fucking long its almost like a second personality. negativity is a no-no. a positive mind gets results. so my positive cover and negative mind gets me fucking no where bascially. right, well then what? two new starts in two years, one more coming, three new starts in two years, fucking fabulous. and a cover the whole time. i dont know what makes me happy anymore. oh well. its the same thing everywhere ive been. i expect nothing different wherever i go next. just for perspective, my shift ended six hours ago, im still in my work clothes. i dont need to say much more. i guess im selfish, but i give so much. now i just want to say: what about me? what about me anyway? doesnt matter ill assume. self worth in the gutter. laff. meh, theres always people who take me for granted, but it feels like everyone. the things i wanna give are impractical i guess, the things i need to give. i want to give. no one knows that. i miss knowing that i cared with my whole self about someone, i miss knowing that they were there for me, and i could be selfish and get away with it, the things i want are so simple. in fact, theyre priceless. but its too much to ask for. so i dont bother with it, at all anymore. anxiety attacks, and often i noticed. i cant smoke green anymore without flipping the fuck out. i get scared, a panic attack, for awhile, it was never like this. i miss when i could smoke and be normal. i miss a lot of things. the memories play over and over again as they come. relief comes in approximately 3.5-4.5 minute sessions, called songs that i can relate to. what a fucking life. music as relief. i put the 'lie' back in relief. whatever, fuck it. 90 minutes later, im still here, doing this, the same fucking thing i do with the rest of my life. id let go, but what do i have that i need to let go of? but everyone seems to know, and i hate that, not them, but that.. it comes back to: why me? bye. |
